“Wish I had what I needed to be on my own because I feel so defeated and I am feeling alone”
Jason strummed the G-cord on this guitar as he sang as he sat in the corner of a house which he once called his home, tears filling in his eyes.
Everything that he believed in, everyone that he cared for and loved had disappointed him.
Yesterday after 14 years of fights his parents had finally divorced, or maybe it was after 17 of fights,
Jason was 18 and he couldn’t remember when it all began, why it all began and why no one did anything to stop his world from crumbling.
Jason was fine. He was okay with the way life had been to him. He wasn’t one to throw in the towel when things got tough, instead he’d keep moving on, keep doing what he did best, smiling.
For the past 5 years, or well since Jason began to understand his feelings, there was only one emotion he could feel, hurt. He covered it up with his Christian rock music, his religious work, his charity work and community service. He was everyone’s shoulder, he was the one who would pester you until you told him exactly what was wrong. He liked to think he was conceited but he was the humblest of them all.
This time things got a bit too far, his parents divorce wasn’t the cause though, it was everything, not being able to be himself, hiding his emotions for so long that he didn’t know how to let it out, pressure from family to do well at school, his friends not being able to see the hurt in his eyes, the feeling that he was being taken for granted, which he was because no matter what happened, no matter what you did Jason was always going to be there, he had your back no matter what, but who had Jason’s back?
“It could never make me happy and all my sand castles spend their time collapsing”
Eighteen years and a bright future ahead of him, Jason didn’t really care, he knew what was right, he knew what his life was worth, he knew he had everything to live with and god to life for yet he felt defeated, somewhere along the way someone had forgotten that Jason was also a person and not just a shrink, a preacher man.
“What the hell?” he asked himself. “Why am I crying? I am supposed to be stronger, I am supposed to get past this”
He knew he was kidding himself, how could he get over this in a day when he had been hiding it for over five years, when every moment with himself was scary and every time he looked in the mirror he found someone else, someone who pleased the world and not himself looked back at him. His shadows scared him and the thought that someone could love him was scary while he preached and believed that God loved him.
Tomorrow was his graduation at school, he just like every other year didn’t have a date but it didn’t matter because he didn’t intend to graduate. Jason put his guitar down and called the first number on his phone.
“What?” answered a somewhat annoyed female of his age.
“Hey Tiff its Jason are you busy” he replied sobbing as he tasted one of is tears, his voice was weak, his tears, bitter.
“Yea I am actually getting my nails done, you alright mate? Hey I have to go. Bye” said Tiffany as she hung up.
She didn’t even wait for the answer whether Jason was alright or not, no she had a life even though Jason was the one to thank for it. Six months ago Tiffany had been a shattering wreck with no one and nothing to live for. Jason had helped her get through it all. He had showed her what life was about. He knew what life was about he just felt too defeated, too alone, to fed up, he knew every cloud had a silver lining, he knew it all mattered but he had given up.
Jason put the phone down and looked at an old dusty frame with a little boy staring back at him, he had black hair and hazel eyes which were filled with hope. The same eyes that were now filled with tears that no one would see.
“One more time” he thought to himself and he punched in his best friends number.
“Oh Jas its you, sorry bro kinda busy, Katherine is here, I’ll see ya at school ay Bye” replied Matt as he hung up as well.
Jason knew all the other replies would be the same, Jason was the one who was used to lean on, not the one with the problem. His smiles, laughs and jokes had made him seem like he was the perfect one, the unbreakable one. Jason was forsaken, by the ones who the thought were going to be there when he thought he’d need them.
Jason wiped his tears and got up, his eyes bloodshot red with tears, he looked like the one to take on the world with his baggy blue jeans and red tee-shirt that said “Together we are one”. He closed the front door behind him as he walked out onto the street. He smiled at a group of girls standing on the corner of the street, they returned cold stares. He kept on walking. “it all ends today” he thought to himself.
He climbed the steps to the train station, it was empty as usual, a dry hot breeze blew from the west as he checked the timetable.
“Next train to city in 12 minutes” he said to himself. 12 minutes till his life took a direction which he never intended it would. He sat down on the blue seats “Greenwood” place he had grown up in, place that wont miss him, place the didn’t need him at all.
“Broken and branded and burning without a doubt”
He looked at the big station mirror one more time, yup the person who looked back at him wasn’t Jason Richardson, no the guy looking back at him was someone who was too faded to realise where the real kid who made mistakes ended and this perfect person began.
Jason leaned forward and saw the train at the distant. He got up, tears ran down his eyes, his inner voice had nothing to say today, the train was 2 meter away and Jason leaped in front of it.
Within seconds his 6ft, medium built physique was in pieces, eight carriages ran over him, his tee shirt was in pieces, stained with his blood.
The train stopped a few meters, the tracks covered in blood.
Within a few minutes the ambulance was there, picking up what was left of a once pretty decent looking guy.
His funeral was held a week later, a crowd gathered, friends, family, people who didn’t know him and people who didn’t care whose funeral it was. Tiffany cried through the service, how could she have not been there to listen when she heard the pain in his voice. She was guilty of not giving Jason back what he gave her. Lewis was guilty of not being the shoulder for his best mate the only time he needed him.
Jason died and so did his dreams, his hopes, his views on life, the shoulder of his friends died, the one to make things right died. Friends mourned for a few weeks and then moved on, his parents remembered him once in a while but then got on with their lives.
He was right, Greentwood, place where he wont be missed, place where he wasn’t needed.
